In the Lands Where Birds Fly Differently: A Letter to My 24-Year-Old Self
Dear Readers,
Last month was our family’s final month in a career that spanned 22.5 years and caused us to live overseas. And…it was missionary work. If you are not a Christian, please don’t stop reading there. I think there is something here for you—even if we don’t believe the same things.
I was asked by a leader in our missions org to write a final message to all the women serving overseas in our region. I chose to write something that I wish I could have told my 24-year-old self when she landed in Armenia over two decades ago. What follows is that letter to my younger self.
If you are not familiar with the Christian faith, don’t worry. I want you to read this and understand the nuances and why I would even move overseas to do missions—a career you likely disagree with.
So, I’ve made some footnotes.
Please take time to read the entire piece as a whole, and then go back and read a footnote whenever an asterisk (*) appears next to a word. And whether you believe the same things or not, I desire that you also realize you are “safe.”
If you prefer to listen rather than read, feel free to hit play on the video below.
All my love,
Olivia
I was 24 years old when I stepped off the plane for our first missionary assignment.
The Soviet-era airport was a cement structure crumbling from the inside out. The parking lot was filled with men chain-smoking in black leather coats and pointy dress shoes. I looked up at the sky and even the birds were different in Armenia–scrawny and flying in repetitive circles.
I’ve been a missionary* for 22 years, and September was my final month in our missions organization.
I wish I could go back to my younger self and take her for a drive to get one of those American smoothies she craved. I’d tattoo her soul with truth: she is safe.
She’d fight me; quote scripture and convince me she already knew those words. But I’d want to shake her until the words left the surface and got deep in her bones.
She’s safe in a land of survivors that fight tooth and nail for everything— for tomatoes in open markets, for babies to be seen by doctors, for seats next to local pastors who open or close the heavens.
She is safe when her pillowcase is black with mascara tears; safe when bedrooms in tiny apartments resonate with another argument, another reason to leave.
When other missionaries whisper, or Estonian friends avoid her, when the bank account dips close to zero, she’s still safe.
Safe when no one notices, no one asks or promotes; when inboxes become silent once position disappears.
Safe when the only title she’s ever known, missionary, is left behind in the lands where birds fly differently.
At the age of 46, I try to reset my default settings. I walk around my neighborhood and read aloud old, written prayers and psalms.*
Life forced all of us to find ways to keep ourselves safe. Some of us fight or control. Others avoid and become silent. Some try to be the life of every party; others work themselves to the bone for God. These tactics work quite well, until they don’t.
Then we become like King David. He had unbelievable wealth, the guard of his mighty men, power to control his universe, and the killing of a giant was the ultimate performance. None of that kept him safe. “Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord.” *
I watch my kids grow up overseas through decades of old prayer cards we’d print and pass out at churches while fundraising, and I see many versions of myself alongside them.
After 3 years in Armenia, Oliver - age 1. Prayer card circa 2006.
Prayer card for Estonia, circa 2011. Oliver - age 6, Ava - age 2.
Final prayer card in Estonia circa 2021. Oliver - age 16; Ava - age 12.
I’m different now. The message is finally taking root in my marrow.
Absolutely nothing* can snatch me from the powerful hand of God unless I allow it to—in hidden places—in my thoughts, my defense systems, in my belief that cries over lost dreams, a broken marriage or struggling children go unseen.
I kinda wish I could jump on a plane, bring your favorite smoothie* and shake you until this gets in your bones: “You are safe.” You live in the unshakable kingdom ruled by an unshakable King.*
The incredibly generous God of the universe picks you up from your forgotten land and lets you sit between his mighty shoulders. Let absolutely nothing pull you away.
Rest. Take a sip of that smoothie. Look at the sparrows. You are safe.
“Let the beloved of the LORD rest secure in him, for he shields himall day long, and the one the LORD loves rests between his shoulders.” Deuteronomy 33:12
* “Missionary”—I am aware that this word makes many feel uncomfortable. While doing my MFA in writing, I was called a “colonialist” by a fellow student during a writing workshop, and a professor told me (with complete kindness) that I needed to always explain my motive behind giving so many years to missions work because many find it distasteful. I explained it to her, something like this, and she said it was the first time she understood the reasoning behind missions work.
First, we never want to change a culture. Yes, this has been done wrongly by missionaries in the past, and is unacceptable, but now…we realize that a people group’s culture, language and customs are given to them by God. We also never force our faith on a culture.
Instead, we go overseas because we believe that many have not had the same chance we had, in America, to hear about the love of God and be given a choice to enter that relationship through Jesus. You can watch a video that explains Jesus here.
And why do we think these people need to know God? Well…have you ever experienced something that completely transformed your life? Maybe even healed you? A therapist you recommend to everyone you meet; a recovery program; a diet or doctor that helped you get to the bottom of years of physical struggle; the best surgeon or oncologist who walked you through cancer with such great clarity and care?
There are those relationships, those chance encounters, that change our lives. And…we don’t want anyone to struggle through all the pain, illness, mental or physical turmoil if we could help them get connected with someone who has helped heal us.
That’s how most people who follow God feel. His love, his peace, his guidance is so great—we feel it costs people too much to not know him, speak to him, love him.
I personally don’t know if I’d be alive right now without the presence of God in my life. There have been too many times I’ve not wanted to live another day. And then God reminds me who I am, and shows up in sunrises or starry nights.
So, as a missionary, I share my story and allow people to choose. I love people. I learn their languages and songs. I don’t change their culture, I try my darned best to enter it; to raise my kids in it. And I pray for my neighbors. I speak out their names to God and ask that his love be undeniable in their lives. I wish that I could say that, for 22 years, every day was filled with pure motives. That’d be a lie. I am 100 percent human, and I don’t know if there is anything I do that is 100 percent pure. I do know that for all 22 years, I loved God and I really did love the Armenians and Estonians I lived among…and I gave every ounce of pure motive I had intermingled with my humanity. I trust God to do the rest—to show up in Armenians’ and Estonians’ sunrises and starry nights.
* “old, written prayers and psalms”—I’ve been reading aloud the Anglican Church of North America’s Book of Common Prayer. There is a new reading, called the “Daily Office,” for every single day of the year and a reading for the morning, midday, evening and bedtime. I have been using this app to read aloud (and perhaps look a bit crazy) while walking on my treadmill or around my neighborhood early in the morning.
* “Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord.” —Reference to the Bible—Psalm 121:1- A famous verse written by King David. “I lift my eyes up to the hills. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord–the Maker of heaven and earth.”
* “Nothing”—reference to the Bible — Romans 8:38-39. “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
* “Smoothie”—After a few months of working in a job making smoothies during college in 1996, I can give you an expert recommendation–a combo of frozen strawberries, bananas, yogurt and apple juice make a tasty treat (and sugar high). Nowadays, I would not use apple juice (but water or almond milk) and add protein powder!
*"You live in the unshakable kingdom ruled by an unshakable King.”— “Kingdom” is a term Jesus often used during his ministry on earth. As we see from the life of Jesus, the kingdom of God is not a military kingdom or government that takes ground by brute force. No, Jesus showed us what the Kingdom of God is like. It is peaceful. It loves deeply. It invites the poor, dirty and outcasts to have a seat at the table. It heals the sick, defeats fear, and is filled with a ton of laughter and community. Many Christians are waiting for heaven—as if that is where the Kingdom of God will begin. But, Jesus was clear. He said the kingdom of God starts now, and not when we die. We can start to live in and live out all those principles while on Earth, and we can see His kingdom come alive in people’s lives; in our lives. So, yes, we live in the unshakable kingdom of God that no darkness can ultimately overcome, and we have a King (not a dictator) who is more kind, loving, generous and powerful than we can comprehend.